The Benjamin Franklin fan club will now go into order.
We met on what would be his 279th birthday on January 1st. 17-not to honor his accomplishments as a stuffy patriot, but to savor his irreverent advice as a columnist.
It was inevitable that Franklin would become the leading freethinker of his generation. He began at age 12 in Boston as an apprentice to his irascible brother James, who was a printer and editor of the “New England Courant.”
The Franklin brothers soon got into trouble challenging authority. James was frequently jailed for “libel” and/or “disrespect” of public officials. On such occasions, Ben filled the columns of the “Courant” with comments under the name “Silence Dogood, A Widow”.
In an article Mrs. Dogood opined: “For some time it has been a question of mine whether a community suffers more from hypocritical pretenders to religion or from the openly profane. But some recent thinking of this nature has inclined me to think that The hypocrite is the more dangerous person of the two, especially if he holds a government position.”
Ben scandalized the colony by recounting a night walk by Mrs. Dogood who wrote:
“A company of females soon occurred to me who, throwing their heads left and right at everyone who passed, I came to the conclusion that they came out with no other designs than to revive the spirit of love in disappointed bachelors and expose themselves to sale to the first bidder.
“In general, I conclude that our night walkers are a collection of people who contribute much to the health and satisfaction of those who have grown weary with business and occasionally observe their cute gestures and impertinence.”
After five years, Ben fled his contract, a criminal offense, first to New York, then to Philadelphia, then to London. The good life in England, including good sums for women of easy virtue, convinced him that he would have to return to Philadelphia, where the temptations were less.
Ben eventually moved in with an old flame, Deborah, who had married and been dumped by another man. Two kept Ben and Deborah from having a hard time formalizing their union. Her husband could return at any time, and Ben had acquired a young son out of wedlock from an unidentified woman.
Family life softened Ben. He started a newspaper, “The Gazette”, published his “Poor Richard’s Almanac” and achieved a large volume of printing for the colonies. He was appointed postmaster general and served on many government commissions.
Ben retired from business in middle age to devote his time to writing, science, and public affairs. He discovered electricity, invented bifocal glasses, introduced postage stamps, designed an efficient stove, and built a “harmonica” of fine-tuned glass bowls.
At age 70 he took an active part in the American Revolution. He served many years as ambassador to France and at 80 he signed the United States Constitution.
During his busy later years, Ben wrote bawdy letters, a stand-in for the Silence Dogood and Poor Richard columns.
In one, he recounted Polly Baker’s speech in which this lady so cleverly begged for mercy at her fifth bastardy trial that the presiding judge reportedly married her and had 15 children with her.
A letter to the Brussels Academy suggests a project to turn intestinal gas into perfume, so as not to offend people at social gatherings.
My favorite is a letter to his nephew containing advice on choosing a mistress. It was a subject in which Ben was believed to be an expert.
“In all your love affairs,” wrote Ben, “you must prefer older women to younger ones, for the following reasons:
“1. Because they have more knowledge of the world, and their minds are better stocked with observations, their conversation is richer and more pleasant.
“2. Because when women cease to be beautiful, they study to be good. To maintain their influence over men, they make up for the decrease in beauty with an increase in usefulness. They learn to do a thousand small and large services, and they are the most Tender and useful of friends when you are sick. Thus they continue to be kind. Hardly can you find an old woman who is not a good woman.
“3. Because there is no danger of children, which irregularly produced can be cared for with much inconvenience.
4. Because with more experience they are more prudent and discreet, in making an intrigue, to prevent suspicions. Therefore, trading with them is safer with respect to your reputation. And as for theirs, should the matter become known, considerate people might rather be inclined to excuse an old woman who would kindly look after a young man, train his manners with her good advice, and prevent him from ruining his health and fortune. among mercenary prostitutes.
“5. Because in every animal that walks upright, the deficiency of the fluids that fill the muscles appears first in the upper part. The face first becomes thin and wrinkled. Then the neck. Then the chest and arms. The lower parts they continue until the dure as plump as ever. Covering everything above with a basket, and looking only at what is below the sash, it is impossible to distinguish an old woman from a young one. As all cats are gray in the dark, the The pleasure of bodily jouissance with an old woman is at least equal, and often higher, each stroke being, by practice, capable of improvement.
“6. Because sin is less. A virgin’s debauchery may be her undoing and make her unhappy for life.
7. Because the scruple is less. Having made a young woman miserable can give you a bitter reflection, none of which can accompany making an old woman happy.
“8. And lastly, they are very grateful!”
January 19, 1985
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