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My husband is the one who cheated, so why is he being paranoid and possessive?

It is considered normal when your spouse is having an affair and then you become extremely observant of your spouse’s comings and goings. It is understandable wanting to know what he is doing and who he is with.

Even if you are not normally so suspicious, surveillance may seem necessary because no one wants to find their spouse cheating on you a second time. What may be less expected is when the cheating spouse becomes super vigilant of the faithful spouse. So you have a situation where the cheating spouse becomes possessive and suspicious of someone who has not cheated and is in fact the victim in the matter.

A wife might say, “About three months ago, I found out that my husband had been cheating on me. For a few weeks, I stayed in an apartment that my boss has next to our office. I honestly didn’t know if I would stay. However, I recently decided move back to see if it was remotely possible to pick up the pieces. My husband had never done anything like this before. He’s a good man. And he seems desperately sorry. We’ve had some good talks and for a while I felt a little hopeful. The problem is that my husband, who is not the jealous type at all, has suddenly become possessive of me. He acts like my boss is trying to chase me, which is completely untrue. And if a man looks at me in passing, my husband will He gets really weird and jealous. Why is he acting like that? He’s annoying and he’s not very attractive. I didn’t do anything wrong. The right to be so possessive? “

Understand how your fears lead to possessiveness: The truth is, you have no right to be so possessive, at least in my opinion. But this is a very common behavior. And it is motivated by fear. He is likely to be afraid that you will retaliate or lose interest in him. He is afraid that you will trick him into revenge on him. He is afraid that you are not really excited about him right now and that you are questioning your marriage. Therefore, based on their reasoning, you could be more susceptible to having your own adventure. Or you can look around and decide you would be better off without it.

You are probably afraid of not comparing yourself favorably to another man. What if a nice man at work started showing you attention? Your spouse may fear that you may be tempted because your spouse has betrayed you. So he thinks that if he can keep a close eye on it, he can lessen the chance of this happening.

I am not defending it. His behavior is destructive. But I want you to understand your thought process. It’s not that he thinks you’re untrustworthy. It is that he is afraid that his mistake will have consequences. Frankly, he’s afraid of losing you. So he holds on as hard as he can.

Suggestion: Of course, that doesn’t mean you just have to accept it. You can certainly have a conversation about this. It would be understandable for him to get angry, get defensive, and demand that he back off. But I think a calmer approach might have better results.

I would try something like: “I can’t help but notice that you are constantly controlling me and acting too possessive. I don’t understand this behavior. I have never cheated on you, nor do I intend to. No matter how angry I am with you, cheating would not be my solution. Cheating is what got us into this mess to begin with. I know you might be worried about retaliation. But this possessiveness is not the way to prevent that from happening. Your watching me this way only frustrates me and damages our marriage . I’ve never given you a reason not to trust me. I don’t intend to start. Your suspicions are misplaced. Please stop being so possessive. It’s doing more harm than good. Being possessive won’t stop me from taking my own decisions. It will not change my feelings. In any case, I am more likely to contribute to negative feelings than positive ones. The most effective way to help our situation would be to communicate and start healing. ar. Can we agree on a? “

Hopefully you will agree, but know that you may have to remind them later. Sometimes when we operate based on fear, we simply act out of emotion without taking the time to think. So while he might intellectually realize that being possessive is wrong and silly, he can do it again when he’s afraid you’ll quit or retaliate. That doesn’t mean you have to accept it. But you may have to remind him if you see him doing it again.

I know that realizing that this behavior is based on fear does not make it acceptable. It is not. But sometimes, if you can understand why it is acting a certain way, you can stop it more effectively. And once you see that it hurts and doesn’t help, you can become more aware of your behaviors. If you are in counseling, I would definitely bring this up so the counselor can take the point home.

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