Watch out for the Horrorator!  12 wedding toast disasters and how to avoid being yourself
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Watch out for the Horrorator! 12 wedding toast disasters and how to avoid being yourself

Buddy Best-Man was at a loss when he gave his speech. He staggered to the podium, almost fell on the wedding cake, and toasted the bridesmaids. Not before ripping off his shirt to show us his “toned body” and not before scoring each of the women on a scale of one to ten (none of them were higher than six in his opinion). Buddy Best-Man was a horror, a horrible speaker, a horrorator. Scary. More frightening still is the fact that he is not alone. My Buddy’s story can coincide with yours and many others. They’re out there, these toasty messes. Luckily they are easy to identify. That is, unless you are one of them. Not me, you say? Better to be safe. Here’s the dirty dozen: a list of the most recognizable horrorators in no particular order of disgust (except number one), followed by the best he can do to avoid ruining reception and his reputation.

 
 1)The drunk

Here’s Buddy in all his (read stupid) glory. Buddy has the distinction of being multiple horrors simultaneously (also see issues #10, 12, and 13), but his biggest problem is clearly the hook. He listens carefully to the speakers, the worst thing he can do when giving his toast is to do it with three leaves in the wind. It should be a given, but we’ve seen this chump too often not to state the obvious.

two) the archivist 

From wet to dry. Here is the speaker who has every moment of life narrated like a titular historian. Did you forget how many hours you studied together for that algebra test in high school? The archivist didn’t, and for some reason they feel compelled to share the boring fact (and others like it) at the front desk.

 
3)The preacher
 

Never one to pass up an opportunity to share “The Word,” this type of self-righteous phony will stand up, scripture in hand, and proceed to use the wedding occasion to lecture on the meaning of life in the world. best case scenario or practically hold an altar. call in the worst case. Some will admit they can’t resist their holy habit: the cost is too high. What is a little shame if even a single person that night is saved from eternal damnation? Think again.
  

4)The archeologist  

The big dig. This “trusted” friend loves to get the skeletons out of the closet and shake them in front of everyone. Remember the vow you made with your friends…What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas–the archaeologist among you had his fingers crossed behind his back.

5)The poet of precious moments
  

This gooey terror comes in two cheesy forms. The first type of PMP is the reader. Ms. Hallmark will fidget at the podium and tell everyone that she is soooo nervous and that she wishes she could share what she really feels in her heart but, luckily, she found a greeting card that perfectly sums it all up. what she wants to say. She fumbles to open the card and then reads the entire card: “How much do I love you? Let me count the ways…”
 

The second type of PMP is worse because they try to write the fluff themselves, which is great if you’re actually a poet, but generally pathetic for the 99.99% of us whose default poetry setting is “Roses are red…” I know, I know, PMPs are lovable, well-meaning, and overflowing with love. We feel sorry for these horrors. That doesn’t mean they don’t deserve the shepherd’s staff.

6)the jaded lover
 

Oh yeah, here’s someone you’ll want to sit next to at a wedding, let alone listen if they’ve been invited to rant. uh, toast. This is the speaker who is so jaded and spurned by love that they make the Grinch look like Romeo. They’ll take the opportunity to tear a strip off old lovers or encourage newlyweds with divorce rate statistics, or say something endearing like “I hope you signed a prenuptial agreement.” A true winner.
  

7)elpauser  

Here’s why the energy drink Shake was created.This horrorator plays his 45 at 33 speed (vinyl records, kids). Whether they’re collecting their thoughts, crying their eyes out, or reaching for their notes or glasses, this speaker wraps every thought in a cushion of dead air. Long, scattered speeches and even sudden departures at odd points in speech are not uncommon for the Pauser.
 

8) The Chatterbox  
 

A close relative of the pauser and the archivist, this dreaded orator will talk until the cows come home. Signs that a Chatterbox is in full flight (and rapidly losing altitude) include: a rush of guests excusing themselves to go to the bathroom (or the bar), the glow of blackberries lighting up on people’s laps, and , for the less discreet, absolute snoring.
 

9) The man standing  

Hey, have you heard the one about the prankster who stands up at a wedding reception and recites all the “goodies” that he and the guys throw around the store, you know, all those racist, sexist, inappropriate one-liners? that leave the guests with their mouths open? You’ll recognize this horror as the one who invariably ends his speech with “Well, I guess you had to be there.”

10)The Time-Liner (Flat Liner)  

Much like the archivist and inevitably a chatterbox, this horrifying man loves to travel back in time in his speech. Beginning with the birth of the bride or groom, this historian will highlight every life event up to the present. After ten minutes, if you are still in “when Henry turned 16 he got his driver’s license”, You know you have a long night ahead of you. Beware, the Time-Liner often takes to the podium armed with slides.

eleven)Mirror 

You know this one. It’s about them. Everything is an opportunity to talk about the only thing that matters. Yes. You guessed it. Hopelessly irredeemable, if that’s you, you’d never admit you had a toast problem. So go ahead, tell us how wonderful you are, AGAIN.

 
12)the misanthrope
 

Whatever you do, don’t sit the misanthrope at the same table as the jaded lover. They may conspire to plant a bomb or something (like fall in love and procreate, scary). The misanthrope hates everyone and everything and the only reason they end up on the podium is because they have to be there: the father of the bride, the maid of honor, or, God forbid, the groom or the bride. The glass isn’t even half full for these bundles of joy, it’s bone dry and dirty! And it’s your fault! And it’s more evidence that life sucks! Fortunately, his speeches are usually as long as a four-letter word.
 

So there it is, well, I hope not. And this is the best way to find out: ask someone. Take your speech and this list of undesirables and practice your speech in front of an honest friend. If you’re seen among the dirty dozen, do what you can to get off the list: revise, rewrite, join the emcees, or take the easy route to success. Hire a professional speechwriter to help you write a great speech. Is it worth the investment. And if you’re planning a wedding, why not insist that all speakers get help with their toasts? Do you really want to risk a terror appearing on the mic? Do you remember Buddy Best-Man? Oh.

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