Anger is an interesting emotion. For some anger can be a best friend. For others, anger is an enemy to be avoided at all costs. If you live at either end of the spectrum, you probably have challenges in your close relationships.
Let’s look at the best friend scenario. Anger can be a response that brings security. If a person feels hurt, an automatic reaction to that hurt may be anger. Responding angrily to pain will drive away the source of that pain. Anger becomes one’s best friend, serving to drive away anyone who dares get close enough to create pain. Living in a state of anger like this maintains a great wall of protection around a person’s heart. Yes, it’s a safe and protective shelter that prevents any intruder from working up the courage to get close enough to receive an angry response.
There is only a problem with anger as a way to protect yourself from further pain. Anger as a best friend brings more pain. Inside, an angry person wants to shout the message: “Come closer, I need comfort.” The message looks the exact opposite of the recipient of that angry message. It feels more like a “come closer so I can beat you to death with my club” yell.
If you identify as someone who uses anger as their best friend to keep themselves safe, it’s time to make some changes. Here are some suggestions:
1). Understand that the pain you feel is real.
2). Begin to identify when you started using anger as a way to keep yourself safe. What are some events in your past where anger drove away those who would not care for you or comfort your desire to feel safe? Looking honestly at your past will give you clues as to why you are reacting to feeling lonely in a destructive way.
Now let’s look at the other end of the scale. You may be in the mindset that anger is an enemy that should never rear its ugly head in a relationship. Avoiding anger means using a lot of energy to make sure that the world of others is perfect. This requires a lot of effort on your part to go in front of your loved ones and make sure they are never bothered. about everything. A common response to anger is to turn and walk away. Another reaction to anger is to try to lower the level of anger as quickly as possible. This means agreeing or appeasing or passively complying whatever it takes.
If you are one of those who avoid conflict no matter what, you should also examine incidents in your past where anger made you feel vulnerable and insecure. Perhaps you even received physical ramifications from someone’s anger or arrows of angry words pierced your heart to the point of excruciating pain.
1). Looking at the way conflict was resolved in your family of origin is one way to understand why anger scares you so much in your world today.
2). Is it anger or is it conflict? A good litmus test to see if you are responding to anger in an unhealthy way is to become aware of how you react in conflict situations. What might be a normal conflict situation might seem like anger to you.
3). When you are met with angry responses, do you suppress the emotions of fear and loneliness?
While no one needs to endure the destruction of angry responses from those who should be caring for them, running away from anger is not the same as running away from conflict resolution. Avoiding anger by appeasing others is not a way to solve problems. Resolving conflict in a healthy way is one way to resolve problems.
Just like anger shouldn’t be your best friend, running away or people-pleasing to keep anger out of your life doesn’t work either. Neither of these responses to anger is healthy or achieves what both ends of the scale need: safety, comfort, and the opportunity to be heard from the heart.