Difficulties faced by teachers
In addition to the obvious challenges of classroom management, curriculum development, and ever-growing mountains of paperwork, teachers often have to deal with the difficulty of having to work with a parent who doesn’t want to work with them.
While many parents are helpful, cooperative, and responsive, there are some who can be extremely challenging, particularly when your contact with them comes at the end of the day and you are both tired. These parents may yell, accuse, criticize, act belligerent, conceited, defensive or, conversely, stop contacting altogether. Understandably, many teachers are left bewildered, hurt, and angry by this behavior. Some take it personally and wonder what they have done. Others may dismiss it and in doing so completely neglect that relationship, which in the long run doesn’t help anyone at all.
Why parents respond the way they do
It may not make the behavior more pleasant, but it can help teachers engage with these parents by understanding that parents sometimes come into the classroom with notions that predispose them to be defensive or difficult. They may be expecting a negative experience for reasons that have nothing to do with you.
Perhaps their childhood was tough, or academic studies were particularly taxing or punishing for them. Maybe as adults it’s their chance to finally rebel and draw the line in the sand, even when it’s no longer necessary to draw it. Many adults cover up their own insecurities by acting fierce or indifferent. If a parent has had a negative experience at school or feels ashamed of their own level of education, they can take a stand with their child’s teachers.
Usually, people do not consciously choose aggressive or dysfunctional behaviors. They learn them and usually come from environments where the behavior was necessary, adaptable, and helped them survive in some way. This is not an excuse for it, just an explanation. And when we understand what makes people tick, we can better help them.
Common pitfalls and dangers
Fight fire with fire:
When we respond to anger and frustration with more of the same, we perpetuate and add to the problem. If a parent needs to air his suspicions, criticisms, and confusion, let him. Unless he knows he’s made a mistake and is hiding it, it’s definitely not personal. A father who is furious about his child’s difficulties in class was probably furious before he walked into his classroom. A parent who expresses helplessness and makes you feel responsible was surely doing it elsewhere as well. He views the person and the problem before you with detached compassion. If, in fact, you have made an honest mistake or there are things you don’t know and understand about your student, it’s your job to say so and let parents know how you’re working on it. Obtain parent alliance. He or she knows the child better than most. Let the parent know what an important and valuable resource he or she is.
Taking the short view:
When you only see what’s in front of you and forget where you want to go professionally with your students, you start lecturing instead of listening, acting before evaluating, and getting to the point instead of taking the time to develop a relationship. She meets the father sitting across from you. It is true that your time is limited. But if you require more than one visit or need to enlist the help of your school social worker to make home visits to make it more convenient for the parents, please do so. Of course, some people feel very comfortable with home visits and others do not. Unless there is a serious reason for a more assertive stance, don’t force it. Offer it as a service and not as a research tool.
Talk lowly:
No teacher has the deliberate intent to talk down to a parent. But when he’s in a hurry, tired, overworked, or used to acting in “master mode” all day, it can easily happen if he’s not paying attention. No one, including teachers, wants to be lectured or judged.
instinctive judgement:
Everyone but everyone makes assumptions. It is the way in which human beings engage socially in a fast-moving and complex culture. We make decisions based on how someone dresses, walks, talks, or smells. Some of these assumptions may turn out to be true, others false. We judge people based on limited information even though we know it is less than accurate and far less than useful in many cases. It may be a rumor, a person’s introduction, or a difference in social status or culture.
We need to be very aware of this tendency in ourselves and be ready for new information that can change the course of a parent-teacher conference and, in turn, the course of a child’s academic career.
Practical tips to avoid common mistakes
1. Establish your position early: let parents know that you are a partner. Send a card, chat, make a call. Express your excitement about working with the child. Make it clear that while you are the educational expert, the parent is the expert on your child and that you appreciate, and even need, his input.
2. Shift gears: Take a deep breath and take a breather from the rest of the school day. Working with a parent is a peer process. Do a little self-control of your attitude and inner tone: Did you have a difficult day? Annoyed by something at home? About something to do with the father? Can you create a calm and cozy feeling? Sometimes a trusted colleague can be very helpful as a reality check.
3. Dealing with defensiveness: If a parent shows up angry and you respond to the anger, you can bet it will escalate. Even if you feel attacked, you don’t have to attack back. Assume it’s not you causing the reaction but “school,” parenting frustrations, anxiety, past experiences. If the parent is angry with you, maintain eye contact, listen until they finish, and try to understand what is motivating them and if there is in fact something you can fix.
4. Listen and empathize: When separated, it is easier to listen calmly and emphatically. When we do, it’s amazing how people suddenly soften and calm down. Listening carefully is also the smartest and easiest way to discover the real problems and not be fooled by what is presented.
5. Keep an Open Mind – Drop any assumptions. The truth is, for the most part we don’t know the whole story. We source parts and pieces from many different sources, many of whom also source second or third hand. Preconceived ideas, like outright biases, can get in the way of a productive relationship.
6. Assume the best: at least until proven otherwise. Clearly, if you need to respond to a dangerous or seriously negative situation, it is your legal and moral responsibility to do so. Until then, however, assume that a parent wants the best for their child, even if they themselves aren’t sure what that is, and actively find a way to connect, educate, and collaborate.
7. Take time and make time for yourself: That means on both fronts: professional and personal. Give yourself plenty of time to be comfortably reunited with one of your parents, if possible. And take the time you need to relax with your peers, your spouse, or by yourself. If you’re terribly stressed, take a break. Give yourself what you give to others.
v. Judith Acosta, 2009. All rights reserved.