Just when you think you’ve finally gotten in touch and he or she is responding to your emails and phone calls, your ex suddenly starts screening your calls and then answering them later or texting instead of calling you back. Next thing you know, he or she isn’t even responding to your emails or texts. But when you call him your ex, he seems very happy and the conversation is very friendly. But you never hear from him or her again. No text messages, no emails, no phone calls, no nothing.
You call and he or she never answers the phone, you leave messages and they never call you back. After several calls and messages left, you finally get through. And surprised! He or she is very happy to hear from you and the conversation turns back to being very friendly and even flirtatious. But deep down you’re going completely nuts over your ex’s game!
The men and women who actively or passively play these kinds of games do so out of a (false) sense of power that thrives on exploiting people’s fear of being deprived of something they urgently need. By creating an artificial “scarcity,” the person controls who fears being deprived.
If your ex still has residual resentment and anger related to things that happened in the relationship or during and after the breakup, they may not want to feel powerless and helpless again. By playing these games your ex is trying to see how much power/control he can have over you. The more high emotions followed by low emotions he or she can elicit from you, regardless of what emotions he or she elicits, the more power/control your ex will feel they have over you.
You have three ways to deal with your ex’s gambling:
1. You can tell your ex “I’m not going to waste my time with someone who doesn’t answer my emails/texts and doesn’t bother to call me once in a while. Goodbye.”
This stops the power play by cutting it right at the source. The downside of this is that you risk losing your ex all over again.
2. You can tell your ex “I really enjoy your emails/texts/talking to you/spending time with you but it sounds like you have more important things to do. Let me know when you have time for me.”
If the message is communicated convincingly, it will neutralize the power play strategy because what you are doing is taking the source of control away from your ex. Giving up whatever your ex is trying to deprive you of: attention (time and effort). The message you are sending is “I like your attention, but I don’t NEED it that much.”
But sometimes even this may not work if you can’t go through with letting go of your fear of deprivation. At best, his attempts will be seen as a bluff, and at worst as a counter power play.
3. You can tell your ex “Look, I really enjoy your emails/texts/talking to you/spending time with you but I also realize you need your own space and time alone. But at least you can…
…email/text me every three days to let me know how you’re doing. It will give me peace of mind knowing you’re okay.”
…let me call you once a week. It would be nice to catch up on the events of the week.
…spend every saturday night with mr. It would be nice to get to know each other again and do fun things together, again.
This changes the interaction from a control mode to a cooperative mode. It is not a defensive or provocative move because what you are offering is a win-win situation.
For this to work, you need a creative mind, a lot of patience, and a willingness to make positive influence one small step at a time. But of course, if your ex is so determined to play games with you and he doesn’t really care about you, or even doesn’t want to get back together with you, even this won’t work.
In short, don’t get carried away with power plays. I know, it’s easier said than done. Sometimes it’s hard to avoid the urge to turn the tables and play a player. The problem with this is that playing mind games only leads to more games and things usually end badly, plus it keeps you off balance and perpetually insecure.
By refusing to play “Gotcha, You SOB” or “”Gotcha, You B***H” and instead choosing a new and different way to interact, he sets a tone that changes the dynamic of how they relate to each other.
If you respond in a disciplined, consistent, and positively engaging manner, your ex’s attitude toward you will slowly begin to change.
If you’re interested in learning how to deal with your ex’s sometimes angry, indifferent, or hostile behavior toward you, you can check out my eBook: Dating Your Ex: What You Can Do Tonight, Tomorrow, and the Next Day to Get Your Ex Back back